Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Pain is the Ultimate Signal

      Pain is a biological signal in the body that something is changing, something is growing and sometimes something is broken, I've been trying to figure out what is this inner pain I've been feeling, trying to tell me. Is this pain telling me I've been heading in the wrong direction, or is it a signal that this chapter will be added to my testimony, perhaps it's both.

Reflection Time

  You might be thinking to forsake the pain and just do you, but there's anxiety that comes with ignoring the throbbing in the back of your chest. Making decisions while plagued with such anxiety is a dangerous thing. I have anxiety in one hand and a pack of seemingly bad decisions in the other, while my mouth is stuffed with poisonous expectations and comparisons, I'm trying not to swallow. Then it hit me, that this is self torture and that's where the pain is coming from.

Identifying the Problem

     I've been in an unhealthy cycle of looking at my past challenges and trying to dissect them to see the lesson in them. You might be thinking it's good to learn from your past mistakes, but not so much that it hinders the decisions you make in the present. I've read many articles on life lessons about making peace with ugly situations and each article reveals that everyone has their "a hah" moment, when their tunnel vision kicks in and they suddenly understand the benefit of struggle. I keep looking at my past to find the benefit in the struggle so I can find security in my future. It recently hit me that if you stare at puzzle pieces for too long without action you can get a headache and that's exactly what I've been doing.

Embracing the Resolve

   I've been trying to put the pieces together to make sense of my life without making any actions because I feel like if I don't understand why this happened then, I'm bound to make the same mistake again in the future. Ultimately you can't let past mistakes keep you from making new decisions and making new moves. You can't let a confusing past land you in a place of static motion, then nothing will truly get solved.I have to make moves in the present, make plans for my future while making peace with my past all at once, not one at a time. All three of these concepts connect like a puzzle piece, they all have to be together to make the whole picture.

Plan of Action

   I was so obsessed with the past and trying to understand it that I lost my passion in the present and my image for the future became clouded. What I plan to do is to take action in the present towards a future goal, and instead of adamantly obsessing over my past I'm going to let my "a hah" moment find me.

   After taking this time to have a little inner reflection on something that's been dragging me for so long, I was surprised at what the real issue was. Have you ever felt like something was off, or didn't feel right and was surprised at the source of your pain once you finally took an in-depth look?

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

It's Been a While

     It has been a very long time since I've used this platform and posted something to Deejay Speaks. I let her go to focus on other things but I think it's time I got back and redirected her purpose. You see Deejay Speaks was essentially an online diary. A place to rant and rave and share but the ranting and the raving stopped because well, I stopped.

   Deejay Speaks is extremely personal to me and when personal issues started raining in I shut them away for the sake of keeping up an optimistic blog image, but then the problems began building up and before I knew they caved in on me. I didn't have the strength to share any of it here, so I've been harboring the pain. No one wants to hear about the bad day the blogger had and I was having a lot of them. Sometimes I think it's necessary to share some ugliness, the flaws are what makes us human, right?

     Not every issue has a solution nor does it always come with some brilliant lesson. Sometimes things fall apart and they don't come back together or at least not immediately. Sometimes you fail not because you didn't try but because it was in the cards for you to fail and that's it. I know a lot of this seems depressing but this is apart of our reality. The harshness, the bitterness, the fear but there's always that strength that keeps us pushing anyway and I guess that's why I'm back here.

     I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I've been through what I've been through and why I'm sharing it with you. I guess it's because I find myself often looking for a blogger a lot like me. Someone who's real and flawed and emotional and willing to share, so I guess I can't find that blogger simply because, she's me and I am her.

Friday, December 25, 2015

I'm Not Afraid of Aging Anymore

After I turned 18 I came to the horrible realization that a lot of the life goals I wanted to achieve before I turned 20 were not becoming a reality.Every birthday after 18 was filled with guilt,regret and  a forced smile.It sounds dramatic, terrible and ungrateful to react to a birthday this way.I couldn't help myself at the time.I hadn't wrapped my mind around the fact that I can't control everything life throws at me, that my primary control is simply how I react.
I can now say that I'm not afraid of aging anymore. I'm not afraid of the things life plans on throwing at me anymore.This doesn't mean that when my life gets shaken up I'm going to be immune to the movement, it just means I know if I fall I can pick myself back up.I'm growing confident in my will to overcome and to better myself out of otherwise dark circumstances.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I Can't Keep Giving Up On Myself

 I told you guys that I decided to start up my YouTube channel again.I've always been hesitant to do videos because I don't exactly have the most experience with video editing and my equipment isn't up to par like other YouTubers.Besides my lack of top notch equipment, I'm a little afraid of negative feedback and I'm pretty sure everyone is aware that YouTube probably has some of the worst trolls of any other platform.

In spite of my fear and doubt I made 2 new videos.One of which I didn't promote the other I did.The one I didn't share didn't get any views as you can imagine but the second one only gained the attention of one "low life, with no life", troll.I shouldn't of let it bother me. I mean the person who commented had no content of her own, no profile picture and couldn't spell worth shit and yet it was enough to provoke me not only to delete the video, but both of them.

I can't keep letting trolls get the best of them.I can't keep letting small minded individuals have a say in my big dreams.So I'm starting over, I'm going to have a specific plan and goal and I'm going to execute them both regardless of any random acts of hate.I think what I'm going to do to make the upload process better is disable the comments first,I need to take baby steps guys, wish me good luck.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Underneath My Skin

I know what I want to do. In fact I've always known what I want to do, I just didn't believe I could do it. Many of us know what we want to do, but very few of us have the strength to actively pursue.There are very few people out there with the bravery,consistency and willingness to pursue the craziness that is their dreams. 
If I looked at you right now and told you I wanted to make a career out of my online platforms to  help me establish myself as a writer, journalist, and singer,you'd might think "why is that so hard to fathom?", some of you may actually cheer me on.
But when you take a glimpse into my mind there are all of these obstacles, challenges I made up in my head that will prevent me from making my dream a reality. I look at the women who have managed to make their internet platforms the foundation for their careers, very few of them look like me. My look isn't necessarily one that stands out, but it doesn't blend in either. I get caught up in superficial challenges such as my appearance, my race, where I come from that would prevent me from becoming who I want to be.
Then I have to remind myself that EVERYONE has had to start somewhere. EVERYONE has had these same thoughts, being afraid to commit to a dream because it seems so far away. EVERYONE has doubted that they have what it takes to achieve the things they want. What makes these individuals stand out is that they did it anyway. They published the video anyway, they uploaded the picture anyway, they wrote the novel any damn way!
Why did they pursue their dreams even when their reality says hell no. Because their dreams are underneath their skin, squirming around and leaving blessed runes in their flesh. Once I realized what I want to do, without editing it, without censoring my desires,I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. It's everywhere I go, it's there when I wake up sitting at the foot of my bed. It's in the mirror when I brush my teeth, waving hello provocatively.It's in every tear, groan, yawn, sore muscle, it's in every breath I take and every idea I create. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Passion is There, But Not Here

 I've developed an obsession for figuring out what my path and passion in life is.In the midst of thinking about what I'm passionate about and watching Marie Forleo videos on YouTube, I found myself getting frustrated. I was getting all of this excellent information on how to grow your passion, nurture it, love it and stay motivated-but how do I do that when I don't know what my passion is. I don't know what my passion is, but I know what it's supposed to feel like.

When I think about passion I imagine it being fiery, exciting, powerful and a force that will engulf you. I don't feel engulfed by anything.I can't remember the last time, I felt anything fiery. My gut hasn't been a home for flames in a very long time. So if I can't identify my passion through a feeling, maybe I should look at what I'm particularly good at to help me figure out my passion.

I sat down with a notebook and a pencil and told myself to write a list of things I'm really good at and I mean really good at. My list was a bit empty and as you can imagine I felt even more disheartened.After staring at my scarce little list of things I'm good at, I called it a day on figuring out my path in life, looking to the future was starting to hurt more than excite me.

It hit me today the reason why I can't feel my passion like I used to. I've got road blocks cutting off  my ability to feel my passion and one of those roadblocks is low self-esteem and self doubt. My passion is alive, it's here, it's existing but we've got all this unnecessary distance between the two of us. I have to take some emotional inventory like a lot of us need to. 

We all need to investigate into our emotional states. Sometimes we apply our energy to the wrong problems,  to the issues that aren't really issues at all. I'm going to start redirecting the time I've spent trying to figure out my path and apply to  feel whole again. If I can make myself feel better about who I am, then I am building the proper platform for which developing my path can be built on. Before you go soul searching for passion, make sure your in a place for your passion to find you. Make sure you're in a position and have a perception developed so you can see your path in the first place.