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Friday, December 25, 2015

I'm Not Afraid of Aging Anymore

After I turned 18 I came to the horrible realization that a lot of the life goals I wanted to achieve before I turned 20 were not becoming a reality.Every birthday after 18 was filled with guilt,regret and  a forced smile.It sounds dramatic, terrible and ungrateful to react to a birthday this way.I couldn't help myself at the time.I hadn't wrapped my mind around the fact that I can't control everything life throws at me, that my primary control is simply how I react.
I can now say that I'm not afraid of aging anymore. I'm not afraid of the things life plans on throwing at me anymore.This doesn't mean that when my life gets shaken up I'm going to be immune to the movement, it just means I know if I fall I can pick myself back up.I'm growing confident in my will to overcome and to better myself out of otherwise dark circumstances.


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I Can't Keep Giving Up On Myself

 I told you guys that I decided to start up my YouTube channel again.I've always been hesitant to do videos because I don't exactly have the most experience with video editing and my equipment isn't up to par like other YouTubers.Besides my lack of top notch equipment, I'm a little afraid of negative feedback and I'm pretty sure everyone is aware that YouTube probably has some of the worst trolls of any other platform.

In spite of my fear and doubt I made 2 new videos.One of which I didn't promote the other I did.The one I didn't share didn't get any views as you can imagine but the second one only gained the attention of one "low life, with no life", troll.I shouldn't of let it bother me. I mean the person who commented had no content of her own, no profile picture and couldn't spell worth shit and yet it was enough to provoke me not only to delete the video, but both of them.

I can't keep letting trolls get the best of them.I can't keep letting small minded individuals have a say in my big dreams.So I'm starting over, I'm going to have a specific plan and goal and I'm going to execute them both regardless of any random acts of hate.I think what I'm going to do to make the upload process better is disable the comments first,I need to take baby steps guys, wish me good luck.


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Underneath My Skin

I know what I want to do. In fact I've always known what I want to do, I just didn't believe I could do it. Many of us know what we want to do, but very few of us have the strength to actively pursue.There are very few people out there with the bravery,consistency and willingness to pursue the craziness that is their dreams. 
If I looked at you right now and told you I wanted to make a career out of my online platforms to  help me establish myself as a writer, journalist, and singer,you'd might think "why is that so hard to fathom?", some of you may actually cheer me on.
But when you take a glimpse into my mind there are all of these obstacles, challenges I made up in my head that will prevent me from making my dream a reality. I look at the women who have managed to make their internet platforms the foundation for their careers, very few of them look like me. My look isn't necessarily one that stands out, but it doesn't blend in either. I get caught up in superficial challenges such as my appearance, my race, where I come from that would prevent me from becoming who I want to be.
Then I have to remind myself that EVERYONE has had to start somewhere. EVERYONE has had these same thoughts, being afraid to commit to a dream because it seems so far away. EVERYONE has doubted that they have what it takes to achieve the things they want. What makes these individuals stand out is that they did it anyway. They published the video anyway, they uploaded the picture anyway, they wrote the novel any damn way!
Why did they pursue their dreams even when their reality says hell no. Because their dreams are underneath their skin, squirming around and leaving blessed runes in their flesh. Once I realized what I want to do, without editing it, without censoring my desires,I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. It's everywhere I go, it's there when I wake up sitting at the foot of my bed. It's in the mirror when I brush my teeth, waving hello provocatively.It's in every tear, groan, yawn, sore muscle, it's in every breath I take and every idea I create. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Passion is There, But Not Here

 I've developed an obsession for figuring out what my path and passion in life is.In the midst of thinking about what I'm passionate about and watching Marie Forleo videos on YouTube, I found myself getting frustrated. I was getting all of this excellent information on how to grow your passion, nurture it, love it and stay motivated-but how do I do that when I don't know what my passion is. I don't know what my passion is, but I know what it's supposed to feel like.

When I think about passion I imagine it being fiery, exciting, powerful and a force that will engulf you. I don't feel engulfed by anything.I can't remember the last time, I felt anything fiery. My gut hasn't been a home for flames in a very long time. So if I can't identify my passion through a feeling, maybe I should look at what I'm particularly good at to help me figure out my passion.

I sat down with a notebook and a pencil and told myself to write a list of things I'm really good at and I mean really good at. My list was a bit empty and as you can imagine I felt even more disheartened.After staring at my scarce little list of things I'm good at, I called it a day on figuring out my path in life, looking to the future was starting to hurt more than excite me.

It hit me today the reason why I can't feel my passion like I used to. I've got road blocks cutting off  my ability to feel my passion and one of those roadblocks is low self-esteem and self doubt. My passion is alive, it's here, it's existing but we've got all this unnecessary distance between the two of us. I have to take some emotional inventory like a lot of us need to. 

We all need to investigate into our emotional states. Sometimes we apply our energy to the wrong problems,  to the issues that aren't really issues at all. I'm going to start redirecting the time I've spent trying to figure out my path and apply to  feel whole again. If I can make myself feel better about who I am, then I am building the proper platform for which developing my path can be built on. Before you go soul searching for passion, make sure your in a place for your passion to find you. Make sure you're in a position and have a perception developed so you can see your path in the first place.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Social Media Life vs. Real Life

There's a lot of people in this day and age of social media that have become talkers. People who specifically do all the talking in the world but don't necessarily act on what they say. We have a bunch of pseudo-deep thinking poets, false motivational speakers and people who are frankly looking for a quick hustle. I'm not here to bash anybody who's trying to get their social media hustle on, but I just want to make sure you guys are aware that not everyone is as legit as they say they are. What you see on social media, isn't necessarily going on in their real life.
Social media is filtered and edited to perfection, and 9/10 we witness successful end results. We don't see the struggle but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You can't use social media as your tool for comparison with your real life, because social media isn't real life. 
You might see me post about achieving a good grade on test on Twitter, but what you don't know is I spent nights studying, cramming and freaking out about it. You might see your favorite fashion blogger post her brand new shoes on Instagram, but you don't know the time and effort that was sacrificed for her to make enough money to buy those shoes.
Social media is for sharing the success but it rarely shares a a back story. Sometimes I think if people shared their struggle, or better yet shared their testimony maybe life wouldn't feel so hard. That's why I post to this blog about practically everything because my struggle might inspire the next person. 
You guys know about how hard my job hunt has been, you know I mourned for my less than thrilling college education, you know how much I battle between getting blog exposure without having to sell out my authenticity. You guys have seen me post to this blog, with bare thoughts and raw ideas and still read on. Thank you for reading my blog and not being a victim of social media hype.

Friday, January 23, 2015

School and Uncertainty:The Vent

Ever since I started college in the Fall of 2012, I have suffered anxiety right before the beginning of every semester.I have crying fits,hyperventilation and I'm in a constant state of second guessing everything.Currently,I'm sitting in bed looking at one of the syllabus of one of the courses I'm taking, and I can feel myself sinking.I just finished a tearful prayer and something in me said "why not share this ugly moment with the internet, perhaps someone else feels this way and can relate".

I don't know why I always have the most dreadful feelings before school starts.Maybe it's because I'm thinking about all the money I'm spending for an education I don't think I ever really wanted.Have I spent a small fortune on something I'm not meant to pursue?If this is the right path for me why aren't I excited like other people, if it's meant for me why is my initial reaction always panic?

These questions only make matters worse.When I begin to question why I act the way I do when confronted with school it makes me reconsider my life path.Then I'm tangled in "coulda, woulda,shoulda", while trying to take deep breaths and wiping these salty tears from my eyes.Feeling trapped and blind of course leads to panic and the blasted cycle continues.

I'm frustrated with this cycle,it's unhealthy.The first week is always the worse, then perhaps by the 2nd month I've grown numb to all the alarms going off in my head and I've found something to distract me.Before I know it, it's the middle of the semester and I'm thinking about the next semester and my body is taken by shudders and my brain is desperately trying to shut it out, but I can't.Because I know it's coming, I know the next semester is on the way. I know thousands of more dollars will be spent in pursuit of a degree I didn't know I wanted, a degree I might not be able to do a damn thing with.Suddenly my hands are pulling at my hair, I'm curled up in my bed and crying again because I wish I knew someone who also finds uncertainty to be lethal and that's why I'm posting this.

I can't tell you it gets better because frankly I don't know if it does.I can't exactly offer you a cure outside of methods of venting such as blogging or talking to a friend.
 I can tell you, you're not alone.I can tell you you're not the first to struggle with school and you're not the last.Do not suffer in silence, there are people like me who can recognize the pain in your voice because it sounds like my own. You have to let out the pain or it will only grow bigger and bigger and get more intimidating.Uncertainty will always be there, but you have to fight it off and the more you confront it, the smaller it will be.