Sunday, August 26, 2012

Professional Venting

  I sit down and think who's reading this, who's reading these words a friend who finally dropped by my blog, but doesn't necessarily want to comment, perhaps some bored person who's seen me tweet links on twitter, maybe someone from facebook or weheartit or whatever platform I dabble in, all in the name of promoting this blog, promoting myself, promoting my brand, promoting my ideas. I look at my blog from a professional point of view, yet the blog needs to have some of myself in it right. What's a lfiestyle blog without real life, without that fleshy undertone that helps you realize a real human being is creating this post, has thought of these words, has typed them up with their fingers. I try to to focus on the good, I try to shake off all these ugly little bees that seem to gravitate to me like I'm the sweetest kind of honey. I wave them off, and keep on walking almost like I'm made of stone. I'm a not a statue though, I don't bleed cement.
  Today I want to share with you the human,but not any old aspect of humanity but the darker side, there can be something beautiful to the darkness. The darkness breeds creativity, just what lies out there in the void? You know what lies out there in my void, what I try not to touch, what I try to turn a blind eye to? My anger. I'm angry. I smile, I laugh, I breathe, I cry but beneath it all hiding underneath the crevices and carpets is anger. I'm angry that my efforts seem to have gotten me no where.Do you know how many scholarships I have put myself into, I have put my faith into, giving all these little bits of my heart to each effort and I've received little to nothing in return. Do you know how many jobs I've applied to, are you aware of all the calls I've made? Complaining gets you no where, but just what exactly does? My tries have been continuously slapped down, and yet I still get back up, I'm not creating this in the name of justifying giving up,I'm creating it in the name of all these bruises across my heart, in the name of all these headaches that rack my mind, I'm creating it in the name of the ugliness, or the imperfections of the flaws.
  You, sitting at home, or maybe on your phone, reading this are probably shaking you head, or simply saying  "something will happen" or my recent favorite "that's life kid", do you remember what it felt like, the moment life broke your heart. The moment of the life you planned for, created blueprints for looked at you in the face and like a cruel monster struck you! Reality breaks through the cracks of this little comfy home, I'm blessed to say I have had the pleasure of having, and reality is not sweet, it's not exactly pretty either, this reality is some foreign piercingly loud, annoyance that I find myself both embracing and wanting to choke at the same time.
   This is not my letter of resignation, but my letter of notice, I notice that life is not fair and never will be, I notice that life is life and it will do what it pleases and we can only do what we can, so I have not given up. Sooner or later the barrier holding me from all that I've worked for will break and I will be immersed in all that I've wanted, but the question is will I be able to recognize it by then? Will I be able to identify my heart's desires by the time they reach me? Will my dreams become memories so forgotten that when they approach me I won't even turn my head? Will this oncoming anger and bitterness drown me before I break the surface, will my hands grow tired scraping  to get out, will I taste the fresh sweet air of achievement or will I simply breathe in and go on my way?
  I am determined and I am angry and I am afraid.

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