Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Freshmen is Panicking

  I forgot how old I was. I felt like I was running out of time, and making too many mistakes, letting too many people down. I forgot my humanity. I forgot how being imperfect is a natural human quality. I forgot it's okay to feel panic but to recognize the panic must cease. I wake up annoyed by the Sun, I find it's shine condescending to my mood as if it's nature's fault I feel upset.
 Questions boggle my mind and wake me from my sleep. I haven't done enough, or have I? Is it a matter of how much trying, how much pushing and wanting and hoping I do, or is it a matter of me putting in effort and being patient that seems to outrun me. I'm consistently spending the last few days manically:

  • writing lists
  • submitting scholarships
  • applying for job apps
  • checking empty emails
  • writing more lists
  • creating schedules
  • crying about school
  • dreading school
  • worrying about money for school
  • stress 
  • impatience swallows me whole and spits out a ball of tears and more stress
   This is no way to live.

  I must remove stress and worry from my lifestyle I need to recognize I can only do what I can, when I can and any other factors, aren't factors they are out of sight of mind. I'm claiming back my right to success, my right to happy, I deserve to be happy I can't break down now. When approaching the topic of school, my view is so skewed. My fellow colleagues are excited, I wake up teary eyed with fear, that's not the proper way to approach change. It is better to walk towards change and embrace it,  fighting it will only leave you scarred and hurt, fighting change only harms you  because change is here and it's coming through strong and it's never going anywhere. I must swallow my fear and make change my friend, make change my best friend, love change, trust change, and trust that I have been blessed with the necessary skills to walk alongside change as well.