Honestly, ever since school has started my faith has never been so shaken. The change has been nothing short of difficult for me. When I'm actually on campus I feel like I'm holding my breath and the moment I get in my car on my way home it's finally time to exhale. When on campus, I get to my classes I sit quietly, attentively trying to focus on the main topics in class, whilst silently praying that there's no introduction game to play. I've met people, well a person, very friendly,very nice easy to talk to, I won't see that again until much later in the week.
I'm the farthest thing from a social butterfly, but I now how to converse. I guess I'm an undercover social butterfly. I know how to speak, and articulate properly in situations, I have confident skills when it comes to conversation, but they're slightly deteriorating and the only time those skills seemingly rot is when I'm in a class full of older people and I'm the only freshman. I'm a freshman again. A small, random, loner freshman all over again. I don't mind being by myself but it would be nice if I had a friend to talk from class to class with from time to time, someone who understood me and understood this new place I've found myself in.
I've always been a bit of a loner though, I've had awesome friends who I still stay in touch with, the idea of being alone never frightened me, I was comfortable with it, but there's a difference between walking alone in the hallway for 5 minutes in between classes versus being 100% alone all the time, but I'm growing and learning through this being alone has given me more time to focus on myself and just how much I underestimate my skills.
I initially was annoyed with the whole prospect of college, I considered transferring to community college next semester. that way I'd never have to stay on campus but after thinking it over,I realize I might as well bite the bullet and join the campus.I'm scared, but I'm growing, I'm growing in ways I didn't know I could. I'm having good days and not so good days but all in all I'm developing a sense of independence, and a new level of self-respect and self esteem for myself. I'm maturing and its not easy buy progress is being made everyday and in the end it will all be for the best. I have to establish better faith in God, I need to be more confident and comfortable with the fact that God is always here with me, and that with him I'm never alone. For a long time I didn't want to speak on college experiences on this blog because every time I thought about it, I would sob and cry, I would shudder with anxiety, my stomach would turn in disgust but I feel slightly better on it, and I feel like I'm in a better place so I can speak on it in the best light. So far I'v learned in my classes but underneath it all I'm learning to develop a stronger relationship with God.