Wednesday, September 5, 2012

It's Not The End Of The World

  Honestly, ever since school has started my faith has never been so shaken. The change has been nothing short of difficult for me. When I'm actually on campus I feel like I'm holding my breath and the moment I get in my car on my way home it's finally time to exhale. When on campus, I get to my classes I sit quietly, attentively trying to focus on the main topics in class, whilst silently praying that there's no introduction game to play. I've met people, well a person, very friendly,very nice easy to talk to, I won't see that again until much later in the week.
  I'm the farthest thing from a social butterfly, but I now how to converse. I guess I'm an undercover social butterfly. I know how to speak, and articulate properly in situations, I have confident skills when it comes to conversation, but they're slightly deteriorating and the only time those skills seemingly rot is when I'm in a class full of older people and I'm the only freshman. I'm a freshman again. A small, random, loner freshman all over again. I don't mind being by myself but it would be nice if I had a friend to talk from class to class with from time to time, someone who understood me and understood this new place I've found myself in.
I've  always been a bit of a loner though, I've had awesome friends who I still stay in touch with, the idea of being alone never frightened me, I was comfortable with it, but there's a difference between walking alone in the hallway for 5 minutes in between classes versus being 100% alone all the time, but I'm growing and learning through this being alone has given me more time to focus on myself and just how much I underestimate my skills. 
   I initially was annoyed with the whole prospect of college, I considered transferring to community college next semester. that way I'd never have to stay on campus but after thinking it over,I realize I might as well bite the bullet and join the campus.I'm scared, but I'm growing, I'm growing in ways I didn't know I could. I'm having good days and not so good days but all in all I'm developing a sense of independence, and a new level of self-respect and self esteem for myself. I'm maturing and its not easy buy progress is being made everyday and in the end it will all be for the best. I have to establish better faith in God, I need to be more confident and comfortable with the fact that God is always here with me, and that with him I'm never alone. For a long time I didn't want to speak on college experiences on this blog because every time I thought about it, I would sob and cry, I would shudder with anxiety, my stomach would turn in disgust but I feel slightly better on it, and I feel like I'm in a better place so I can speak on it in the best light. So far I'v learned in my classes but underneath it all I'm learning to develop a stronger relationship with God.

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