Ever since I started school, and when I say started I mean have been walking about to places on campus my entire attitude and emotional state has been both drained and miserable! I don't understand it, I'm okay in the morning and I don't think I'm on the edge of a nervous break down during the day but by the time I get home I'm ready to burst into tears. I think the stress of the first week of school weighs on me a lot heavier than I should allow it. I get extremely nick picky over every little thing I do, I over-analyze school days and impatiently wait for the term to end(hence the large countdown widget I'm not too proud of). I overwhelm myself to the point of crying, and when I cry I cry about EVERYTHING all at once everything rises to the surface.
I go from crying about whether or not I'm making the right decisions, I cry about not getting enough sleep, I cry about feeling invisible on campus, I cry about missing high school, I cry about missing my friends, I cry about not receiving my financial refund yet, I cry about not having my books yet, I cry about not having a license, I cry about not having a car, I cry about not having a job, I cry about not having money, I cry about feeling lonely. Ridiculous waste of bodily fluids.
I've come to the conclusion that I, Dinesha Renee Johnson think entirely too much to function properly. I think too much it's ridiculous certain things do not need to be thought of continuously when God is the one making all the decisions, plans and moves for me. Why would I let myself carry so much weight, when the weight isn't even real? I am using a placebo of stress over my head and why, why do I make myself feel sad? Why do I focus on such outrageous things that shouldn't concern me. Half of those things listed above are things that need to be left in the past, the other half are not up to me to change, and the other half are things I'm already in the pursuit of changing so why do I torture myself with fictional problems? I've become my own worse bully, and you know what I think it's done out of insecurity. I'm insecure about my self worth.
I need to claim the fact, that I am worthy of a happy,fruitful,love filled existence. When things seem to be going smoothly and perhaps there's one simple hitch I take the hitch and make it the size of the Titanic, is it so hard for me to believe that things could actually be going right for me, is it so hard for me to believe I deserve to be happy, that I'm worthy of being careless and joyful. Making this epiphany is well needed because every time I start feeling in the dumps and I begin bullying my own will to be happy, I'm going to remind myself that God loves all his children and wants nothing but the best for his children, it's a matter of his children to exercise their right of free will to accept the gifts he wishes to present to them. When I let myself be negative, I'm denying my right to be happy and I deserve to be happy, we all deserve to be happy and even if it means we've got to dig and fight, and struggle with ourselves we must claim our happiness it belongs to us.
God does not turn his back on us, joy does not run from us, we turn our backs from Him and run from joy, because when things seem to good to be true we have to find something wrong, and in our search we will it into existence and when it actually happens we've set ourselves in a downward spiral of stress and sadness the opposite of what God wants from us. I've got to practice letting go and let God, more often because he has the last say and I would be no where without him.