Sunday, January 27, 2013

Notebooks and Recovery

             I've got this notebook I call it a big book of blessings, I know it sounds cheesy but that’s exactly what it is. Every good thing, every lesson, every bit of light to the darkness that has been shed upon me goes into that book.  I started chronicling my blessings and lessons last year in the Summer and sometimes I read through it to make me feel better from time to time and remind myself that it gets better and that in the end everything will be okay. The reason I need this book is so I never forget that things do indeed get better for a long time. I trained my mind not to be hopeful, to not believe in myself, to not trust that good things can happen to me. I thought the only thing in this life that was 100 percent sure to happen was nothing but the negative stuff, it was easier for me to believe in the bad so I wouldn't get hurt trying to believe in the good and it seemed to soften the blow when bad things happened.

           Believing in the power of negativity drove me into the ground I became so angry with everything, nothing was what I wanted it to be, I was frustrated with God did he not think I deserved happiness? I held a grudge with God for a while but all he’s ever wanted me to do is open myself to him again, let him embrace me but I was pushing him away. God has never left my side he’s merely been waiting for me to get back to him again and it was I, who made myself believe I didn't deserve happiness.
         What people don’t know is that anger and hatred is a drug. I was addicted to ugly  energy. I found comfort in the negativity it was all I knew for so long because it was all I let myself know. My book of blessings is to keep my head in the right direction and instead of remembering all of the awful thoughts, I can read about all the good things. It’s so easy to remember when I've done something stupid, said something wrong, felt awkward and it’s hard for me to remember the good I've done although I have done good things. My memory is so vivid when it comes to moments when I've been embarrassed, angry, hurt, miserable but those moments when I've been happy always seem so far away, so I until I can condition my mind to retain the good over the bad I practice by writing all the good things down. I am admittedly a negative energy junky but I’m on my road to recovery.My little notebook and pencil are my tools as they often are to help get me back to where I’m supposed to be.

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