Wednesday, March 20, 2013

You Can't Fake Security

           Self acceptance is a struggle for everyone. I'm recently coming to terms with the fact that I hadn't accepted who I am, nor am I nearly as comfortable as I used to be with myself. I've always been the girl striving for more, I never really lived in the moment. Constantly looking to the next page, trying to reach the next step, living in the present is a struggle. I am a planner, an organizer, I love creating lists, schedules and being in the know on a constant basis. When I can't plan ahead,  I grow frustrated and scared. I've never been fond of sudden changes, although most of life is composed of just that. Unpredictability, sounds fun to some and once upon a time, I would find delight in random events and why is that? What has changed inside of me where I fear sudden changes in schedule?
            When I was a little girl, something always told me that no matter what happened everything is always going to be alright. I don't know where I learned the philosophy but it felt right and I went with it. As I've aged things have happened, I've been shaken-ed,contorted,flattened, but I always bounced back like rubber.




My security in myself has dwindled in the midst of this shaping and prodding that life does. I've always been a secure person and it's been extremely hard for me to come to terms that it's not like what it used to be. I'm nursing my security, my faith in God has propelled me to keep moving, but I've neglected to have faith in myself. I haven't put enough belief in myself as of late, I've been faking security, but I deserve more than a mere illusion.
       My trusting in God, his way, his promise, his blessings, means I must believe and have faith in him, all of him. I am a creation of God, I am his vessel to share his love with others how can I doubt his creation. If I believe in God, I must believe in the plan he's made for me and believe that he has created me with the tools to accomplish that plan. A lot of the time I find myself referring to me, as we. "We are struggling", "we are loved",because it's easier to put distance from the parts of me that I dislike and don't find safety in but it's not "we" it's I. I am learning to love all of I am. I am a creation of a divine power, I am born with the tools to live that life that is preordained to me, I will forgive myself for my mistakes, because I love who I am, and I deserve forgiveness.

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