I've been praying and praying in a new way. I pray in a way without fear, I pray for different things. I pray for guidance, I pray for answers, I pray for understanding, I pray for opportunities and most of all I give thanks. Recently, I prayed giving good thanks for all the amazing things he has done for me, and the peace I found in myself. The peace I have discovered is a result of truly understanding who I am, and loving her flaws and all. Often I'm in a constant pursuit of improving who I am, and when I don't do it perfectly, I criticize myself. Criticizing myself because my own personal effort to make myself a better person doesn't push me to do better, it makes me feel unworthy of better instead. Once I prayed I realize that God doesn't make us better people with punishment and battery, he makes us better people through his love. If I can love myself the way God loves me, show myself kindness in such a way I can truly blossom. In the midst of discovering this new way of making personal progress, I also learned yet another lesson.
I often find myself conflicted between who I am and who I want to be, and have come to the conclusion that we are one in the same. The kind of person with the will and want to be courageous is indeed courageous, the person who has the desire to be outspoken is indeed outspoken, because to admire these qualities in such a way, and dare to understand their beauty takes effort and strength within itself. It takes strength to believe in the person you want to be, it takes strength to strive to be that person you've always dreamed of and by exercising the strength, you are becoming that very person.
As long as I have the will to be the girl who can pick herself up and start over again, as long as I have the determination to be the brave girl and venture into a world all on her own, then I am. I have all these qualities already born within me, I just haven’t had the opportunity to exercise them. As these skills lie inside my chest unused and waiting for the chance to spring into action of course we stand by and admire them, of course we stare at them longingly. The heartbreak I feel isn't because I’m not the person I want to be, it’s because I haven’t had the opportunities to truly be who that person is. The person who I want to be isn't far off in a fantasy world. She lies inside me,tucked away by my heart, waiting for the day she hears her call, and self doubt dissolves before her feet. Through acknowledging and developing my relationship with God I am also developing a better relationship with myself.
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