Lately, I've been thinking about life plans and how my plan for life has gone completely off course. I was supposed to be a full time student, commuting back and forth from school with a part-time job, but that's not where I am right now. I understand that plans don't always work out, that's life. So instead of relying on my plan, I've been more focused on God's plan for my life. I began praying a lot more about His plan, waiting for a sign, listening. In the process of praying on God's plan, I'm filling out job applications and still pursuing my studies as a part-time student.
I'm only human, in the midst of my prayers, difficulties have struck, and frustration is growing. Instead of praying I found myself questioning, and holding a grudge."If it's God's plan for me to serve him, how come things aren't falling into place?". "How come He's not listening, how come He hasn't listened to me"?, and then I began thinking about the years I spent praying to God and asking for guidance and never getting any real clear direction from Him.Soon the idea of prayer was a mere reminder that I felt ignored by the Being I hold most close to me, I was being ignored by the Being I put my EVERYTHING into.
Then it hit me. It doesn't say in the Bible that God's plan is going to be easy, it doesn't even say that he's going to tell you what the plan is.Acknowledging that God's plan for me isn't going to come to me on GPS and it's not necessarily going to be smooth...frankly that only scared me. Why did not knowing the plan scare me so much? Why did it hurt me to realize that he's not going to let me in on the blueprint?
I realized I was putting my faith, prayers, and praise into God's plan, and not God. I was praising, and pleading for His plan, but not Him. I was idolizing the idea of His plan, versus acknowledging that my Father has my back, through it all. I was looking for love in a plan, not in Him and that was the root of my frustration and hurt.
Now when I pray, I have to recognize just what I'm praying for and to who. Putting my faith in the mere fact that He loves, and has loved me before I even existed will sustain me.I will find strength in Him, not the fact that there's a plan out there. I need my trust in Him and only him.My main goals are to continue to build a proper relationship with God, pursue my passion, and try to serve Him in the best ways I can, through my passion and gifts He's blessed me with.