I'm smiling in these pictures, but you'd never know that I was sobbing and feeling absolutely broken beforehand. Right before I took these pictures, I made the decision to become a part-time student because I did not have enough student aid to support being full-time. I am still struggling with this matter but feel stronger after talking to my family.
2013 has been very difficult on me as far as my transportation,finances and now my education but even in all my pain somehow I still have hope, although it was admittedly dwindling. My faith in my success and myself was badly shaken yesterday after making that decision. "Being a part-time student, I'll never graduate on time, isn't that just more student loans!", I angrily thought to myself. "I can't take out a private loan, I can't do it with all of these other loans,how am I going to get my degree"!"My degree".I started to ache for yet another dead dream.
Then it happened, I begin blaming Him, questioning Him, I believed that He didn't care, perhaps God isn't there at all.My grandmother spoke to me about my faith, she began telling me about how God has pushed her and helped her, protected her when she couldn't. My grandmother successfully raised 2 little girls by herself, at a young age.I began imagining what that felt like, being alone and yet still having 2 little ones depend on her, the strength it took to make ends meet. My grandmother told me there were a few things she wanted to do but couldn't because of her circumstances, but that's not God's fault.
God doesn't put us in situations we can't handle, out of punishment and he doesn't ignore us. God is the force that wakes you up and gives you the idea to make certain moves. God is your direction and the air you breathe. God is on your side and he lives within you.
I recognized my wrongs and prayed that God would forgive my frustration towards Him and all the things I said in my pain.Perhaps this obstacle was put in place so I can REALLY get to know Him better, and REALLY learn the meaning of leaning on Him. I never want to let myself get so low I turn my back on my Father ever again,because He will never leave me, and He's working on my miracle as we speak.
I'll make this new chapter work.