I have been consistently repeating false declarations on this blog with the intentions of starting different kinds of posts and coming back better than ever, then I don't. In all honesty I've been avoiding this blog, it's been an eye sore for me, allow me to explain. I began blogging in the 9th grade without the slightest clue to what I was doing, after much reading on and off re-branding, I came up with Deejay Speaks the 26th of December in 2012 with the intention of it becoming a personal style blog, it eventually grew as far as topics go, becoming a lifestyle blog with a message of self expression. Somewhere along the line, I've lost a passion for this blog not because I don't enjoy blogging but because I don't feel as though I've been achieving my message of self-expression.
Toying with some concepts of incorporating my poetry, trying to get better pictures-these are all material issues I've had with this blog, the real problem goes deeper. I want to feel as though I'm making some kind of change, some kind of positive influence in this world. I really want to inspire and be a positive force for others. How can I be a positive force with others, when I haven't with myself.The standard I had for myself as a little girl, versus what I am right now has been crushing me. I'm supposed to have my own apartment, a retail job paying my way through college(or university), I was supposed to get a scholarship, have my own car and license, with a popular blog for references when I finally intern for a social media manager position at the local Channel 7 news, my junior year of college-but I'm not. I'm a part-time student, taking the bus, staying at home who cries every other day at her reality, the worse part is I hadn't acknowledged how ridiculous this was until recently.
When I was younger and made all of the above declarations for my life, I was a different person. I used nothing but lists and due dates FOR EVERYTHING, and if something didn't come by the due date, or if it didn't happen at all, it was a reflection on my self-worth. Everything I didn't do and everything I didn't get was because I wasn't good enough, it was because I wasn't noticeable, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't capable, and the newest one is "God doesn't think I'm worthy", I've been repeating this behavior even more so now.
This behavior of shame and non-existing self worth has eaten me up and spit me out. I haven't blogged because I've convinced myself I'm not a decent writer and no one reads this thing anyway. I haven't written poetry because I'm pretty sure it won't be any good anyway,I don't sing anymore because why should I, I'll never sound like my favorite music artists.This shame I've put on myself has left me tired, feeling forsaken,bitter and ugly, and for what....because I'm not this made up dream girl I painted in my head when I was bored in class one day?
I can't keep comparing who I am, to this girl I created with a mere pencil and notebook.I remember telling myself I couldn't be happy and loved until I became her.Withholding self love, until I became some young woman who didn't exist is downright insane.I'm not saying I can't have the things the imaginary girl I created has, but I am saying I can't be her, because I'm busy being me, and I'm busy learning how to love me for who I am. I still have plenty of goals, and I still have a drive to achieve bigger and better things than what I see right now and I will get there, but I won't get there but hating myself and by hating my circumstances, people don't achieve the impossible through hatred, it's through the heart.