Friday, January 23, 2015

School and Uncertainty:The Vent

Ever since I started college in the Fall of 2012, I have suffered anxiety right before the beginning of every semester.I have crying fits,hyperventilation and I'm in a constant state of second guessing everything.Currently,I'm sitting in bed looking at one of the syllabus of one of the courses I'm taking, and I can feel myself sinking.I just finished a tearful prayer and something in me said "why not share this ugly moment with the internet, perhaps someone else feels this way and can relate".

I don't know why I always have the most dreadful feelings before school starts.Maybe it's because I'm thinking about all the money I'm spending for an education I don't think I ever really wanted.Have I spent a small fortune on something I'm not meant to pursue?If this is the right path for me why aren't I excited like other people, if it's meant for me why is my initial reaction always panic?

These questions only make matters worse.When I begin to question why I act the way I do when confronted with school it makes me reconsider my life path.Then I'm tangled in "coulda, woulda,shoulda", while trying to take deep breaths and wiping these salty tears from my eyes.Feeling trapped and blind of course leads to panic and the blasted cycle continues.

I'm frustrated with this cycle,it's unhealthy.The first week is always the worse, then perhaps by the 2nd month I've grown numb to all the alarms going off in my head and I've found something to distract me.Before I know it, it's the middle of the semester and I'm thinking about the next semester and my body is taken by shudders and my brain is desperately trying to shut it out, but I can't.Because I know it's coming, I know the next semester is on the way. I know thousands of more dollars will be spent in pursuit of a degree I didn't know I wanted, a degree I might not be able to do a damn thing with.Suddenly my hands are pulling at my hair, I'm curled up in my bed and crying again because I wish I knew someone who also finds uncertainty to be lethal and that's why I'm posting this.

I can't tell you it gets better because frankly I don't know if it does.I can't exactly offer you a cure outside of methods of venting such as blogging or talking to a friend.
 I can tell you, you're not alone.I can tell you you're not the first to struggle with school and you're not the last.Do not suffer in silence, there are people like me who can recognize the pain in your voice because it sounds like my own. You have to let out the pain or it will only grow bigger and bigger and get more intimidating.Uncertainty will always be there, but you have to fight it off and the more you confront it, the smaller it will be.

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