Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Pain is the Ultimate Signal

      Pain is a biological signal in the body that something is changing, something is growing and sometimes something is broken, I've been trying to figure out what is this inner pain I've been feeling, trying to tell me. Is this pain telling me I've been heading in the wrong direction, or is it a signal that this chapter will be added to my testimony, perhaps it's both.

Reflection Time

  You might be thinking to forsake the pain and just do you, but there's anxiety that comes with ignoring the throbbing in the back of your chest. Making decisions while plagued with such anxiety is a dangerous thing. I have anxiety in one hand and a pack of seemingly bad decisions in the other, while my mouth is stuffed with poisonous expectations and comparisons, I'm trying not to swallow. Then it hit me, that this is self torture and that's where the pain is coming from.

Identifying the Problem

     I've been in an unhealthy cycle of looking at my past challenges and trying to dissect them to see the lesson in them. You might be thinking it's good to learn from your past mistakes, but not so much that it hinders the decisions you make in the present. I've read many articles on life lessons about making peace with ugly situations and each article reveals that everyone has their "a hah" moment, when their tunnel vision kicks in and they suddenly understand the benefit of struggle. I keep looking at my past to find the benefit in the struggle so I can find security in my future. It recently hit me that if you stare at puzzle pieces for too long without action you can get a headache and that's exactly what I've been doing.

Embracing the Resolve

   I've been trying to put the pieces together to make sense of my life without making any actions because I feel like if I don't understand why this happened then, I'm bound to make the same mistake again in the future. Ultimately you can't let past mistakes keep you from making new decisions and making new moves. You can't let a confusing past land you in a place of static motion, then nothing will truly get solved.I have to make moves in the present, make plans for my future while making peace with my past all at once, not one at a time. All three of these concepts connect like a puzzle piece, they all have to be together to make the whole picture.

Plan of Action

   I was so obsessed with the past and trying to understand it that I lost my passion in the present and my image for the future became clouded. What I plan to do is to take action in the present towards a future goal, and instead of adamantly obsessing over my past I'm going to let my "a hah" moment find me.

   After taking this time to have a little inner reflection on something that's been dragging me for so long, I was surprised at what the real issue was. Have you ever felt like something was off, or didn't feel right and was surprised at the source of your pain once you finally took an in-depth look?

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

It's Been a While

     It has been a very long time since I've used this platform and posted something to Deejay Speaks. I let her go to focus on other things but I think it's time I got back and redirected her purpose. You see Deejay Speaks was essentially an online diary. A place to rant and rave and share but the ranting and the raving stopped because well, I stopped.

   Deejay Speaks is extremely personal to me and when personal issues started raining in I shut them away for the sake of keeping up an optimistic blog image, but then the problems began building up and before I knew they caved in on me. I didn't have the strength to share any of it here, so I've been harboring the pain. No one wants to hear about the bad day the blogger had and I was having a lot of them. Sometimes I think it's necessary to share some ugliness, the flaws are what makes us human, right?

     Not every issue has a solution nor does it always come with some brilliant lesson. Sometimes things fall apart and they don't come back together or at least not immediately. Sometimes you fail not because you didn't try but because it was in the cards for you to fail and that's it. I know a lot of this seems depressing but this is apart of our reality. The harshness, the bitterness, the fear but there's always that strength that keeps us pushing anyway and I guess that's why I'm back here.

     I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I've been through what I've been through and why I'm sharing it with you. I guess it's because I find myself often looking for a blogger a lot like me. Someone who's real and flawed and emotional and willing to share, so I guess I can't find that blogger simply because, she's me and I am her.